Wow! It’s been a couple of days since the Goddess Reclaimed retreat wrapped up and having a busy day Monday I spent all of Tuesday resting, sleeping, and integrating what we shifted and moved. There so so many new pieces that are coming into my awareness, not much letting go yet, but lots of understanding and accepting :) There is a call to stand up even more in the world. Because of this, I am most grateful for receiving a deeper understanding of who I am. It’s so much easier to share who you are if you know who you are! And, I think that that becomes more and more clear as we peel back the layers of the not us.
One day at a time, with compassion and courage we polish the facets of our diamond.
Getting to the retreat was interesting to say the least. I drove up with two guests and we ended up on a service road that lead us into the depths of nature. As we drove, the road got rockier and rockier, and more and more remote. I was feeling quite comfortable and on fire with my embodied level of badassery, that is until we reached a river where the bridge was out and we found ourselves sitting in quiet contemplation as we decided what to do next. Two of the three of us thought it would be possible to drive right on through, while the third suggested it would be a better idea to turn around. I was one of the two who felt it was possible to drive right through. But, it was getting late in the night, and worst case scenario was us getting stuck in the will of a small river with my jeep submerged in the knee hight current. That was not something that I wanted to experience! So, we decided it would be best to turn around. We were 10 minutes away from our destination and turning around meant we had to drive another 3 hours to get where we needed to go! That’s what we did, and so we arrived at the retreat at midnight, entering in the middle of ceremony. What an entrance. Our group was tired, disoriented and very late (in our linear timeline).
As I walked into ceremony, I immediately felt the grounding and shift in dynamic. Navigating all these different dimensions of reality is exciting and requires a lot of energy and
I was rolling with it :) The angelic voices of Surya and the angels was so welcoming and so I settled in and began to sing.
Retreats like this are so special because it draws in all of these amazing powerful witches, light-workers, goddesses, healers, shamans, priestesses and humans who are here to embody our changing humanity. We are the pioneers of the rising of the divine feminine. Speaking, exchanging, and sitting with these women in groups or one on one organically over the course of the two days was so fulfilling and nourishing to my soul.
Before ceremony I spent Thursday night packing my shamanic tool kit, collecting things around my room and from my altar. I went into my own little ceremony, letting my hands pick up the pieces that were important to this gathering. It was on the second night of the retreat as I placed everything out in front of me that I realized everything I had taken was gifted to me from a women in my life. A selenite sphere from my mother, a crystal dome from my grandmother, small crystal tokens from female clients and friends, abalone from an old roommate, a feather I received from the Salmo river at Shambhala as I walked on the rocks fully embodying my feminine spirit, a bracelet from a six year old that I used to nanny, and a small quartz crystal from a firefly young soul, who was also six, that used to live above me in my previous home. Everything that I had before me was a gift from a feminine spirit in my life, young and old and gifted with love, sitting here before me in a web of connection.
We are all the spirit of the goddess and being here rising it consciously in this sacred container created a wellspring in my heart.
I was at the retreat as support, yet what surprised me the most was how insecure I felt about my position. Usually when I support at events like this I am grounded in joy. But at this retreat I felt a frozen fear in my heart about who I was. I was very aware that a piece of me was in immense fear about stepping more into the light and taking on a more central role, a more out of the closet role as being a light-worker and healer.
There was a part of me that was shut down, collapsed and fearful sitting in the corner of my psyche. So I just let her be there, and for me that was probably the most insightful transformative part of my experience.
The one that is a confident trailblazer, and outwardly powerful was now in service of the one that was scared to death about stepping into the light. I even remember sharing in the circle, pausing, placing my hand on my heart and saying quite spontaneously… my heart is beating really fast and afraid right now. It was so powerful because it wasn’t something that had just appeared, as a response to the present moment. No, it was because of the safety we had created in the present moment, that she felt able to to reveal that she had been there all along. Sitting into and being with the insecurity, letting it really exist as I moved through the moments was the most powerful part of my experience. It was as if my consciousness was sitting inside a frozen statue peering out into the sunshine that was reflecting and trickling light on her surroundings. Rather than my familiar dancing in the sunshine while the statue that always existed within me lay hidden and resting in the shadows.
The fear was being lit up, and although it was very uncomfortable, and a bit of a disappointment to my ego, I just let it be there.
It is one powerful lesson, to be with what is…and trust that the bigger part of us is taking care and leading us down the right road. I had to be able to put my faith in the bigger picture, even though I didn’t feel that truth or the knowing resonating in my cells. My direct knowing was clouded…. and I was learning how to trust that which cannot be seen, felt, or even known.
Monday night I went into ceremony again in my room, cleaning and clearing and re-placing my altar and it was in that moment that the clouds parted to reveal a deeper understanding of my purpose. I cried a weeped in the embodied knowing that I am a blue ray soul.
As part of the indigos, crystals and rainbows who incarnated to support earth in the shifting of the ages the blue ray are the master alchemists and transmuters of damaged DNA. We make great healers and are great at communicating. It was a big ah-ha moment because it is what I do in treatments all the time! Funny how our second nights ceremony was held in a blue room and I was very aware that my throat chakra has been clearing big time over the last couple of months. There was so much struggle within me over the last couple of weeks to allow this opening to come into alignment as I begin my new business as a healer. Which might I add… I am so excited, and scared to death to begin :) And all is well in that.
And now... it is the time to show my immense love for everyone. Blessing to everyone, everyone - physical and non who came to the retreat :) I love you so much! Surya, thank you for holding space for my insecurity that you may have not seen coming. And thank you for standing up and holding the light so strong and holding space for everyone you meet in this way. You are such an inspiration, navigating so many dimensions with grace. Stef. (with an f), thank you for growing alongside me and reflecting to me my potential… where I have come from and how much we are masters of this evolutionary cycle. I love you! Sydney, thank you for showing me that surrender is ok and softness is a gift. Thank you for being a warrior of the highest degree, pointing out to me through your presence, that admitting defeat with grace and compassion is powerful. Celina, thank you for creating such a sacred intentional container, and for care-taking Extra Chipotle and his girlfriend, it was so special to watch them and have them there. Darrel, thank you for being so loving and caring like a momma bear to me and to everyone. Karin, thank you for embodying the sensual beauty of the goddess. Tanya, thank you for being so sincere and honest. I wouldn’t change anything. These lessons we shared, (and will share in the future) are powerful and important. Tove, thank you for cooking and caring for us. Emma, you were a total gift to my spirit, I have the dream catcher just above my bed and am able to feel the lightness in really honouring my soul gifts with certainty and the choice to dance and be playful with them in times where I can get too serious. Caroline, thank you for being so open to transformation and thank you for the candle ;).
And to ALL the women thank you for bringing your truth, speaking out, showing up, teaching me with your presence. I have taken these last couple days to sit and integrate…. You all AMAZE ME! You are so gifted, so powerful, so beautiful, so important, so inspiring, so strong, and so fragile. Thank you for your vulnerability and truth. Thank you for being you. It was a gift to walk amongst you this last weekend.
In this moment Snatam Kaur says it best, “ You are becoming the song of your heart, how beautiful it is as the flower blossoms forth.”
Until we meet again + my inner child is doing a little wiggle dance in excitement and anticipation :)
All my love beautiful souls,
ps: If you'd like to attend Surya's events in the future just send me a message and I will get you in touch!